After the police state and national security cult of the Bush years, it’s nice to have our national security statism dished out by such a bunch of sensitive souls for a change. The Reaganites and neocons sent out goons in uniform to bash people’s heads in, both domestically and abroad because, you know, they were all mean and stuff. The Democrats do it because they care.

Just look at the Obama administration’s decision to name a Navy cargo ship after slain civil rights activist Medgar Evers. Can you imagine the Bush administration doing something like that? They’d probably have named it after some warlike figure from naval history. Not Obama.  If our progressive Commander-in-Chief rains death from the skies on Iran (only because he had to do it to “stop their aggression,” dontcha know), those below can take comfort in knowing not only that they’re being burned alive on orders from a progressive rather than from a nasty old right-winger — but that the ammo comes courtesy of Medgar Evars!

Now that’s change I can believe in! I can’t wait for the Martin Luther King, Jr. daisy cutter. Or maybe they can name every HK drone that kills an American citizen without trial after Thoreau, Howard Zinn, Gandhi, or Utah Phillips.

And the folks who were gassed, pepper-sprayed and clubbed out of their Occupy camps all over the country in the last few days should feel better that not only were at least two of the attacks (in Oakland and Portland) ordered by mayors of impeccable progressive credentials — they even received helpful advice from progressive little piggies at the Homeland Security Department and FBI of Mr. “¡Sí Se Puede!” himself.

That’s right!  Mayor Quan said that, just before she sent in her enlightened and caring stormtroopers to clear out Occupy Oakland, she was in on a conference call of eighteen cities discussing how to handle the Occupy situation. Better yet, according to Rick Ellis of Minneapolis Examiner, based on a “background conversation” with an anonymous official from Obama’s Justice Department:

“… local police agencies were advised to seek a legal reason to evict residents of tent cities, focusing on zoning laws and existing curfew rules. Agencies were also advised to demonstrate a massive show of police force, including large numbers in riot gear. In particular, the FBI reportedly advised on press relations, with one presentation suggesting that any moves to evict protesters be coordinated for a time when the press was the least likely to be present.”

Afterward, Mayor Quan denied that the cities “coordinated” their raids; she merely “talked with other mayors to share experiences.” See, that’s the kind of thing you can only get from a Democrat. She didn’t talk with them about how to bust people’s heads in, like a grouchy old Republican mayor. She “shared experiences,” like a New Agey Californian!

Of course, those of us in the South are quite familiar with informal meetings of government officials to “share experiences.”  Like when several county commissioners get together for a barbecue at the county executive’s house, for instance. And while they’re sitting around sharing experiences and all, the subject just happens to come up of — say — what a great industrial park Uncle Billy Bob’s pasture would make. Perfectly legit — isn’t that what Oprah calls the Law of Attraction?

So folks all over the world, from Oakland demonstrators to wedding parties in Afghanistan, are finding out what Hope and Change are all about.  Those progressive bullets hurt so much less, don’t they?

Translations for this article:

• Portuguese, Matar-nos com Gentileza.