After reportedly feeding a crowd of five thousand with five loaves and two fishes, Jesus Christ of Nazareth was recently served with formal legal notice from industry trade associations, demanding that he cease and desist from what they charge is an illegal food-sharing operation under the terms of the Miracle Millennium Anti-Replication Act (MMAA).
Miracle-working rabbis like Mr. Christ, and their alleged property rights infringements, have been the center of controversy in recent years. They’re the subject of a public education campaign by the Foodstuffs Producers Association of Galilee and Judea. Loaves and fishes producers argue that unauthorized replication of food, since it deprives them of revenues to which they are entitled, amounts to stealing. Sympathetic rabbis in synagogues throughout Palestine are reading FPAGJ public service announcements, aimed at countering public perceptions that “everybody does it” and “it’s just a little thing,” to their flocks: “Don’t bakers and fishermen deserve to be paid?” Many Torah schools have adopted FPAGJ “anti-foodlifting” curricula.
In related news, the Wine Industry Association of Palestine has complained amid surfacing reports that Jesus, in another alleged act of illegal sharing, also replicated wine at a wedding feast in Cana of Galilee.
Physicians’ licensing boards, likewise, point to alleged eyewitness accounts of Jesus practicing medicine without a license. This unauthorized medical practice, according to widespread reports, has extended to lepers, the lame, the halt, the blind, a man with a palsied hand, a woman with an issue of blood, and assorted victims of demonic possession. The medical industry denounces Jesus’ actions as unfair competition. According to a spokesman for the Galilean Medical Association, “it’s unfair to expect a licensed physician who spent years as an apprentice and who has to cover the overhead from office space to compete with some carpenter who just waves his hands around and heals people for free.”
Although the Embalmers’ Guild has also complained of rumored resurrections of the dead, legal experts say there is no actual statute defining that particular activity as a criminal offense.
On the other side, a small but growing movement of gustatory property opponents takes issue with the “piracy” label. They argue that copying food, as an inherently non-rivalrous activity, isn’t theft; because the newly replicated food is created ex nihilo, nobody else’s stock of food is diminished. Fisherman Simon Bar Jonah of Galilee and his brother Andrew agree. “Instead of trying to suppress competition, the fishing industry should replace its archaic business model. Opportunities are out there for anyone willing to innovate. We haven’t lost a denarius because of Jesus’ food-sharing.”
But authorities aren’t buying it. Pontius Pilate, Procurator of Judea, recently announced plans to crack down on gustatory property pirates like Jesus. “If you think I’m going to wash my hands of this Jesus guy, God love him, think again. Replicating loaves, fishes and wine is stealing, just the same as a smash-and-grab at Macy’s. This is a big effing deal.”
Next week: Johann Gutenberg, unauthorized book-sharer.
Translations for this article:
- Spanish, Jesucristo, El Pirata.
- Swedish, Jesus Kristus, Pirat.
- Portuguese, Jesus Cristo, Pirata.
- Dutch, Jezus Christus, Piraat!
Citations to this article:
- Mike Masnick, It’s Only A Miracle If You’re Not In The Business Of Selling Loaves & Fishes, Techdirt, 09/14/11
Our Lord Jesus Christ a pirate? Never! He was an honest conservative who thought amassing lots of property was virtuous, old traditions should be upheld and that poor people should pull themselves by their bootstraps instead of expecting free medical care, food and other handouts. He also advocated a strong national defense, sometimes even pre-emptive strikes – none of that pacifist pussyfooting. He was also white, not that I'm racist or anything.
How dare you blaspheme so callously!
And let's not forget that the guy had a beard. Clearly an anarchist and/or terrorist.
I was just gonna say, Todd S. If Jesus was such a clean white conservative, why'd he go around in a beard and sandals like a dirty fucking hippie?
BTW, I remember Garner Ted Armstrong once saying that Jesus "probably had one or more nice homes." Yep, the foxes have their dens, and the birds of the air have their nests, but the Son of Man hath one or more nice homes.
You, my nose, and my morning coffee have just antireplicated my keyboard. Thank you kindly!
My recent post Red Red Robin
There's a cartoon about this idea already: Jesus: Bread Pirate http://www.nerfnow.com/comic/532
And there's a reason jeff Tucker and I chose the picture we did for this article http://mises.org/daily/4630
My recent post Copyright Censorship versus Free Speech and Human Rights; Excessive Fines and the Eighth Amendment
Umm, did you read the article?
Wow, 5 loafs that can feed 5,000 people?
How come the stupid Christians in America could not do that and have to eat a loaf each?
Aren't they suckers?
Apparently you fail at sarcasm. Or me, depending on how you look at it.
Hahaha! Fabulous!
This is genuine serious theory for North American pseudo-anarchists.
They didn’t have to get Him on novel indictments like that, they already had Him bang to rights for working on the Sabbath (healing on the Sabbath, gleaning grain on the Sabbath, etc.), plus a few other things like forgiving sins which were only God’s to forgive, etc.
Excellent. Useless bureacrats (who would harass Jesus), yet another violation of our rights. Add it to the list of gov’t violations of our rights:
They violate the 1st Amendment by placing protesters in cages, banning books like “America Deceived II” and censoring the internet.
They violate the 2nd Amendment by confiscating guns.
They violate the 4th and 5th Amendment by molesting airline passengers.
They violate the entire Constitution by starting undeclared wars for foreign countries.
Impeach Obama, vote for Ron Paul.
(Last link of Banned Book): http://www.iuniverse.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.asp…
coughSARCASMcough
Jesus was an aquaponics dude!
Successful troll is successful
The Jewish Sabbath is the reverse side of the daily Christian Christmas, Muslim Meccagophy, Hindi Bhakti and Atheist Yawn. They get full and have to quit feeding 52 times a year and then throw in a 7-day fast as a sacrifice to Satan. They still haven't learned to surrender to Love and the cattle still stand around sniffing their mutilated brothers and sisters instead of stampeding through the corral and running the rustlers the fuck over.
As long as we're using farcical tales of magic, the story of King Midas is also apt. I don't think copying is stealing, but I also don't think someone can magically create matter out of nothingness (we obey the laws of thermodynamics in this house, baby). This is why I get so tired of Biblical analogies and arguments: because an overwhelming amount of these types of comparisons are not rooted in both logic AND reality. Plays well to a certain crowd though, I suppose…
I think that some of the stories in the bible could be true but they were more likely over stated. Instead of feeding thousands I bet he used it to feed twenty or ten. It is kinda of like catching a fish and with every telling the fish gets bigger. Same thing with the bible. I'm pretty sure Lazarus was just misdiagnosed and when Jesus said rise Lazarus he was more like what the effing who wrapped me up i'm not dead yet. I was sleeping ye sh that's what I get for doing that. He probably was the one who found coffee and thought yeah I can sell this sh*t
You guys need to pray more and see what God can do.
the bible isn't based in reality…… you realize that, correct? or did I misread your comment?
for a wiseman, you sure are easily taken by fiction………….
I guess that proves there really are no trolls in Earthsea.
I love this joke. And there is a very true historic comparisation that can be made to the Potlach ritual of certain Native American tribes. During such rituals, read parties, people would give almost everything they had away. The more you gave the bigger your status. Can you imagine what White Capitalism thought of that, or just the local butchers, bakers and general store? If I was on friendly terms with the locals I would think: Why pay if you get fed at the party? So they business people pressed the authorities and they destroyed and forbade the Potlach. End of Jesus era, among these tribes