Trying so fucking hard to be good

but soon maybe you will see 

the only thing that i am good at

is fucking things up again

and again and again

at least you can depend on me for that right?

you think that it is so sad when i am alone

but when i am alone at least

there’s no one else to disappoint continually

but myself

and that’s okay, i am pretty used to my shit

at least the self-loathing is familiar

not like goodness and kindness

that shit scares me

new experiences tend to be uncomfortable

not scared of death but not selfish enough

to end my own pain

call me a coward and i will agree

so go ahead and act surprised, feel betrayed

but i tried to warn you my love

i am just a monster

but you thought you knew me better than that

how can you see me more clearly than i see me

so i guess i will just sleep

wake up again regretfully

not even lucky enough to die

like in my dreams

just keep on going because i don’t know 

what else to do

fuck it