We’re All Terrorists Now

The man at the end of the street doesn’t talk to his neighbours much because he likes to keep himself to himself. He pays with cash because he doesn’t have a bank card, and he keeps his curtains closed because he lives on a bus route.

The man who sits two desks down from you at work looks at on-line aerial photos because he’s thinking of moving house. He rents three lock-ups full of his mothers things he just can’t throw out. He paid for a flight with cash — but that’s because he’s a spontaneous kind of guy.

This may all mean nothing — but together it could all add up to you having suspicions. We all have a role together in combating terrorism. If you see anything suspicious then call the confidential anti-terrorist hotline on 0800 789 321. If you suspect it, report it!

The above few paragraphs are not a parody, spoof or piss-take of any kind. They are from a genuine advert that is currently airing nationwide on one of the UK’s most popular radio stations — Talksport, and I for one am taking it very seriously.

I have noticed a fair bit of suspicious behaviour recently. In fact I was so worried that I went over to the Anti-terrorist Hotline website to find what other “suspicious” things I should be keeping an eye out for. Here are just some of what I was told I should be worried about;

Passports — Terrorists use multiple identities.

Cameras — Terrorists need information. Observation and surveillance helps terrorists to plan attacks.

Credit cards — Terrorists need money. Cheque and credit card fraud are ways that terrorists generate cash. Have you seen any suspicious transactions?

Computers — Terrorists use computers. Do you know someone who visits terrorist-related websites?

My first reaction was to crap my pants upon realising I must be a terrorist — after all I own pretty much all of those things. Rest assured I will be reporting myself to the authorities as soon as I finish typing this article.

My second reaction was to start looking for other people I could take down with me, and it wasn’t long before I identified what must be be the biggest terrorist organisation in the whole of the country — The British state.

Starting with the guy at the top, we can see how the government love to use multiple names and identities. Gordan Brown (if indeed that’s his real name) is after all, known as Prime Minister, First Lord of the Treasury and Minister for the Civil Service.

Then there is Peter “Mandy” Mandleson — The Comeback Kid — who goes by the pseudonyms of Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills, First Secretary and Lord (of darkness) President of the Council. I’d say its pretty clear that this lot are up to something unsavoury and trying to hide it.

The flip-side to this fascination with giving themselves titles is the behaviour of the police force, who have a habit of deliberately obscuring their ID numbers in order to get away with brutalising the public — such as during the G20 protests when a woman was assaulted by a police sergeant employing exactly this tactic. (It’s funny how they want to augment their own anonymity with a national ID card scheme for the rest of us isn’t it?)

So multiple identities have been noted; what about cameras? Well, The UK has the highest number of CCTV cameras per person than anywhere else in the world — at least one camera for every fourteen people. The most recent of them have microphones embedded so that your conversations can be overheard, and if you’re lucky, you get a camera with a built-in speaker so that the operator can inform you when you’re acting improperly and give you a telling off. It’s clear to me that these cameras represent “observation and surveillance,” and that both of these things obviously “help terrorists to plan attacks.”

Credit fraud to generate cash? Suspicious transactions? My god yes! I’ve seen them do that as well. The Bank of England just printed £200 billion of magic money, and the Inland Revenue have a protection racket whereby they lock you up in a cage with murderers and rapists if you don’t give them a big chunk of your income. Counterfeiting and theft! — surely no-one can doubt their guilt now.

So what about doing dodgy things with computers? Over one in ten of the population are now estimated to be on the national DNA database, and every single child in England is on the government’s “ContactPoint” database. In fact, a study by the Joseph Rowntree Reform Trust last year found that a total of eleven government databases are “almost certainly illegal” under UK human rights law and should be scrapped immediately.

Well I’m convinced. My armchair espionage has identified a grave threat to our nation’s safety and it has fallen to me to expose the menace. If you notice anything similar then please do your part for your country and follow my example by revealing their dastardly plans.

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