What if we treated ICE agents and cops the way they treated those accused of the non-crime of illegal border crossing? What their crimes against personal freedom were met with the type of treatment they impose on others? Perhaps in such a world those arresting them would document their arrest using templates such as this one.

The following is a template to be used when arresting oppressors after liberation is achieved.

On [DATE] of [YEAR], [ARRESTEE’S NAME(s)] were arrested and charged with civil rights violations. Specifically, they were charged with willfully exerting harm or directing others to exert harm in violation of individual rights and/or generally accepted standards of ethical treatment toward their fellow human beings. The offending actions are listed below:

• War crimes, including intentionally targeting civilians
• Illegal aggressive actions
• Cruel and unusual treatment of prisoners
• Indefinite detention of innocent individuals
• [ADDITIONAL CRIMES LISTED]

As offenders have a tendency to flee prosecution, the accused will be held in a detention facility until the date of their trial. Typically, trial can be arranged within __ months. However, please be advised that recently there have been delays and processing times may vary. The accused may be able to shorten their detention by up to __ weeks by agreeing to plead guilty. Unfortunately, the policies and actions of recent presidents have led to a backlog of human rights cases. In particular, decisions made recently by the Trump administration have led to an increase in offenses along the border. The accused is advised to expect extra wait times if their trial is a ‘border problem,’ as it is difficult to convince highly-trained civil liberties judges to travel to such remote locations as Tucson, El Paso, or Washington D.C.
Any children of the accused will be detained and processed separately. Some offenders have claimed dubiously to have “families” that “need” them, without being able to immediately produce proof of familial relationship (document lists for establishing parentage are spelled out in Section 6 of the document). As such, children and other family members found in the offender’s custody will be considered illegally smuggled until proven otherwise. The accused need not worry about the safety of “their” children however as the children will be supplied with adequate plastic mattresses, foil blankets, and concrete floor space while being processed. Rest assured that our facilities fall well within U.S. norms for the care of children when parents are accused of a crime.

To that end, children will be held in chain-link enclosures for no longer than __ hours/days before being transferred to a foster care family, or whatever. If the accused is concerned about the well-being of the children, they can check in on them by calling the following number:____________. An operator will kindly advise where the child is being warehoused/re-educated.

Obviously the accused has the right to a public defender, however the accused should be advised that public defenders are over-worked and may only be able to meet with each client for a few minutes, if at all. The accused should be prepared to present their plea and the details of their defense intuitively. We understand this may be difficult for individuals who have little legal training.

If the accused is sentenced to a period of incarceration, they may be assured that their prison stay will be as comfortable as is typical. Extreme punishments, such as solitary confinement, will only be imposed if guards or prison employees perceive a need for such punishments, and will only last as long as is required to inflict the desired effect. Food will be provided to nearly/barely meet caloric and nutritional needs (note that individual needs may vary) and many supplies including phone minutes, will be available for purchase at a ‘competitive’ price.

We appreciate your understanding and cooperation during this process. Please indicate below, on a scale from 1 to 5, how likely you would be to recommend this arrest experience to your friends/co-conspirators:

1 2 3 4 5